Monday, December 10, 2007

put me in your suitcase.

fuck, i'm a bad bloahgger.
forget consistency and updates,
i can't even spell the word right.
and i had such high aspirations too.
at some point,
i promise to stir quality and quantity together for an awardwinner
for now,
all i got is some shitty digital photographs of my mom
and some anonymous white guru.
i know that sounds vague and unimpressive
i'm canepari,
and you should expect no more.

so i guess i'll begin with my mom.
she's here in india.
her name is nina.
i love her very much
she is the direct cause of much agida and heartburn
(she's nuts and i'm nuts. bad combo.).

despite my ill-humor,
i wholeheartedly agreed to joining her
for a weekend adventuring in the thick.
together we ventured to the city of varinasi,
seeking spiritual enlightenment and divine fulfillment!

so here is how it works.
the river ganges is considered holy.
the city of varinasi is also considered holy.
where the holy river and the holy city meet it is like bonanza.

so at the holy river,
next to the holy city,
needless to say,
life revolves around the water.

the idea is simple.
if one
swims, bathes, drinks, licks, blowbubblesin,
treads, chickenfights, or marcopolos
in the river,
then one will automatically go to heaven.

there is of course, a catch.
the river is filthy.
in fact, it is septic.
no oxygen.
just death.
oh well.
it's g.o.D.,
so fuck it.
for a laugh, nina and i decided we would shift roles for the weekend.
she photographed.
she makes hardcore, lowbrow blackNwhite street images.
generally, she likes to be in the action but once in a while,
she likes to break out the
in case you missed it,
that's her photoface.
maybe the best photo i've ever taken.
in the holy city,
next to the holy river,
people come to find g.o.d.
spirituality, devotion, penitence, flatulance and my alltime least favorite...

we tried very hard to participate, but overall, we were unsuccesful.

momma did get a red dot on her forehead.
then she made this face...
my stepdad, vincent aka vinny from queens, got a hand massage from a local...
and canepari, as usual, made fun of others...

in this case, i was particularly taken by this man.
(i added an arrow just in case you couldn't figure out who exactly i was talking about)maybe, he is the most amazing thing i have seen in this whole country.
not only was he surrounded by young and attractive westerners all dressed in white pajamas, but after the holy ceremony was completed, he had trouble getting past all the locals who wanted to touch him and kiss his feet.
i mean...


i mean...
i am dumbfounded.
i want to judge him.
i want to hate him.
i just can't stop staring at him.
he is so fascinating.
he is something special.

is he...


that's when i fainted.
when i came to,
i realized that if he can be a messiah
then i can be anything i want to be too.
i'm not very ambitous or creative
so i settled on life as an oarsman.
the pay isn't so good
the benefits are obvious.

thats my new boss.
i'd introduce him but i'm bad with names.
he says i'm a natural.
since nothing in my life has ever been natural,
i took it as a sign.
it. is. meant. to. be.
also, i started my own english school.
it's called "awesome english".
mostly in an effort to brainwash and recruit disciples.
as the sign says,"leading righteousness."
in the first day of class,
the students learned valuable new vocab,
such as,
skullfucker, clusterfuck, knuckelsandwich and directdeposit.
also, some new dichos,
such as,
"she looks like she can suck a golfball
through 40 feet of garden hose."
then i showed them how to make a face like dangerfield.
like i said, righteousness.
so that's my new life.
i'm sorry but this will be my last blahg ever.
i know that may be hard to take for some of you,
i don't see how that's my problem.

wish me luck.

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